Its ok if u guys hate me, coz i already hate myself

I hate myself when:

1. I'm the cause of my parents' fights since i was a kid
2. I talk back when I was scolded..and get spanked/hits and kicks as a kid..up to now
3. I am so worthless I made my siblings hate me

Dialogue between me and Ehsan:
Me: so what did i do wrong now?
Ehsan: did u know that everyone in the family hates u? that u made mama and abah like
kuli, that you are always harsh with me and anisah? and that u never act the eldest?? oh..pls
grow up!!
Me: I'm sorry..(cried as usual)

Dialogue between me and Anisah
Me: mane remote???
Anisah: mane i tahu
Me: alah ilang lagi..suke sepahkan barang sampai sume bende nak ilang! (sounding very
whiny)
Anisah: Mane tahu!! sikit2 nak marah (sambil baling tepon)
Me: i x marah u laa!!
Anisah: ye la sori..i kan kurang haja! (while locking the door behind her)
Me: Im worthless (cried again)

4. I'm so proud ( as mama puts it)
Mama: Let me tell u the truth of what ppl wanted to say but didnt want 2 hurt u
Me: .... (smiling but tears streaming down)
Mama: U are one of the most proud ppl..amboi, benci sangat dengan mama!! ape mama
cakap sume salah...maybe i salah sebab encourage u to talk freely! U better think of getting
married coz ur mertua's family will hate u, and your husband will leave u!



5. I failed to present my emotions..as it shd be presented
I love them and wish we can always talk nicely and happily
I always use the wrong words
I always use the wrong tone of voice
I have no self esteem, so unsure ...of everything that is going on arnd me
I have all the negative toughts of myself

6. I could never make any decisions wisely..eg: this entry

7. see this entry? i always talk about myself..yes, and maybe mama is right...i'm too proud...

8. I hate myself, does anyone feel better reading this?


Best regards

ThEShameFuLL